Loneliness Is The Phrase Hanging In There

I feel as lonely as cereal without milk. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I probably made it to bed around 4. I cry every morning. I get no hope or reassurance for anyone. I get the phrase Hanging In There. In many ways, I am mourning my death. I hurt all over. Everyday. I pray to be optimistic; and I do have moments, like when I am with my writing group or talking about poetry. But, always the cancer is there. I blame myself for taking the pill; for that being the cause of all this torture.

Unfortunately, I started getting tired last June and I took the pill in March....so I can probably blame myself all I want. It serves no purpose really. It serves no purpose at all. If I am dying, I want to know. I want to prepare. It gets rid of the false hope that has been filling my days. I won't let myself go to the end. I would rather go out dying through a transplant or treatment because at least that means I am still trying to live. If this treatment is just a bandaid or to give me a few more months, I never would have done it. It has been hell of my body and my relationship.

I am driving to Scranton to see a therapist today. Joe has gone to do the wash. Daily life goes on. I long for it. All I can think about is how Joe will go on without me. Damn it, I know it's selfish. I still have some hope. But later on in the day, the pain gets bad and hope wanes a bit I don't like the thought of being dependent on others for anything; including my own death. I'd like to go on a day like today---in my sleep. I was just starting to enjoy my life. I had gotten a new job; in which I was so happy because my boss was nice, the hours were good, and I had my weekends off again. I am so tired right now and I hate bitching, even here. I know no one probably reads this; so I suppose it is a good place to bitch. There is hardly anyone who knows what I am going through the third time around. I'd like to connect with another blogger Duane Castro about what he went through and continues to struggle with after his transplant. I have problems because they consider this a new cancer. I am going to post this much and return so I don't lose it....the battery on my computer is very low.